Tips on How to Date an Older Man with Children

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It’s not uncommon for younger women to date older men. Nowadays, however, with the prevalence of divorces, it is becoming even more common for a woman who has never had children to find herself in a relationship with an older man who has kids from a previous marriage. Sometimes this can create an uncomfortable situation when those kids are already teenagers. This stems from several issues in such a relationship: the age difference between the man and the woman; the gap in life experience between the man and the woman; and having to adapt to a “mother” role suddenly, without the typical growth women who bear children experience.

For many May-September romances, age is but a number. However, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that age does not matter, it actually does. An age difference might not wreck a relationship, but it will certainly add a distinctive flavor. A significant age difference will mean that each partner will be in different stages of life, and have to figure out how to make those two stages compatible with the other. For example, a man in his early forties is generally more focused on settling down and thinking about how to save for the future. A woman in her mid-twenties, however, is likely more focused on discovering who she is and what she wants out of life. She might be focused on beginning her career, or perhaps could still be in school. Thus, when a forty-something man dates a twenty-something woman, the couple will need to figure out how to allow the younger partner to continue with her self discovery and exploration of the world, while at the same time allowing the older partner to maintain his security in life. Often times, a woman in such a situation could be dating the older man because she craves that security in her life; rather than create it herself, she seeks to gain it through her partner. This can often backfire, however, when the woman at some point realizes she is not focusing on creating a life for herself, but rather trying to fit into another person’s life he already created.

Adding children into the mix just complicates things further. Young women can make great mothers, however, those who get pregnant young have an advantage over women who become step parents (or even just girlfriends of the father) of children raised by another woman. It is hard to suddenly “inherit” children and have to act as a role model and care taker. Women who raise children from infancy are able to learn the best ways to handle their children through trial-and-error, which is much easier to do when kids are younger. However, for a woman who has to act as a step-mother to older teenage children, the trial-and-error process is much less forgiving, and the kids are less likely to be obedient. In addition, this woman has to deal with the possible attitude of the kids towards their step-mother; that is, they might not respect her authority because that authority only stems from her status of wife/girlfriend of their father. Finally, when a woman in her mid-twenties dates a man with teenage children, there is a 10 year or less age difference between the children and that woman. This creates a lot of conflict with regards to the woman’s natural ability to act as children because such an age difference is simply not found in nuclear families. Many of these twenty-something women are still acting like children themselves, and thus find it extremely difficult to suddenly mature enough to assist in the rearing of teenage children.

It’s not impossible to make a relationship work with an older man who already has kids, however, it is certain that a lot of relationship issues will exist. Thus, it is important to acknowledge the potential of all of these issues before entering into a such a relationship.